Not Just Another Day In The ER
by ernutrach
Summary: You can never escape your past no matter how many times you move or even if you stay put.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of ER, WB and NBC do. I am not making any money off of this story it is written for pure entertainment and the exercise of my imagination. _

_Author's Note: This story doesn't take place in any season, so therefore it doesn't contain any spoiler's. I don't like writing about current seasons. There's a little bit of what has happened on aired episodes but that is because what has happened in the past makes these character's who they are._

**JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE ER**

It was a hot and humid day in Chicago. Cook County ER was flooded with patients because of the heat. Everything from heat stroke to barbeque accidents were flooding into the ER today. And if the heat outside wasn't enough, the air conditioning inside the hospital ER had gone out again. It seemed that the only time it worked right was in the middle of winter when they wanted the heat.

One of the perks to being an ER doctor was that you didn't have to take your patients home with you. You didn't have the fear of being called into work at odd hours of the night unless you were on that night. And your pager seldom goes off unless you are working and on a break and the ER got slammed. These were just some of the reasons that young new doctors chose the ER as their area of practice. Although at County the pay was lousy, the hours long and grueling, and you often went unappreciated even when you did manage to put someone on the brink of death back together again.

With these kinds of working conditions, you never knew who was coming and going. Very few people ever seemed to stay at County very long anymore. Dr. John Carter was the only one who had spent any length of time at County. It seemed that he had been there almost forever now. There was no rhyme or reason as to why he had decided to stay that long. And as to how much longer he was going to be there was up in the air. He couldn't stay chief resident forever and there hadn't been any talk of him becoming an attending there. Although with as short handed as County was they sure could use another doctor, especially with the shocking departure of Dr. Greene. His leaving and untimely death had been a great blow to the ER. Not only had they lost a great friend and colleague, but they had also lost a great doctor. He had always managed to make time for listening to the complaints of all his patients.

Carter had strived to be like Dr. Greene. He was now the rock of the ER. Even if he wasn't an attending. Those who worked at the ER looked up to him. He had a rocky past with the death of Lucy and his stabbing followed by his drug addiction and having to be sent off to rehab to recover but he was proving to everyone that he was strong enough to overcome what was put in front of him now that he knew he could rely and count on his friends. He had almost lost everything that he had worked for he wasn't going to put himself in that position again. He loved being a doctor.

But today was the day that County was going to be turned upside down by the arrival of a new attending physician. One whom Carter was too familiar with. The one woman from his past that he never thought that he would see again, let alone show up in his ER.

She walked into the ER. Erin was tall and had beauty on her side. She had worked very hard to get thru medical school and her following residency to be able to be a highly sought after Doctor. She definitely didn't lack in confidence and the ability to take control of a situation. And she just happened to walk into the ER at the right time. They were down a doctor and she was badly needed today.

"Excuse me; I am looking for a Doctor Weaver or a Doctor Lewis?" She said to Frank, who was sitting behind the admit desk.

"I'll let them you know that you are here, why don't you have a seat in chairs until they can get with you." He said to her.

"Is this how you treat all your attending physicians?" She asked, "I'm Dr. Erin Delaney."

"Oh excuse me Dr. Delaney. Yes have a seat and I will let them know that you are here." Frank said to her.

Dr. Lewis walked by. "Who is that Frank?"

"That's a Doctor Delaney. She is looking for you or Doctor Weaver. I told her that you would be with her when you had a minute."

Dr. Lewis rolled her eyes. That was not the way that she thought her new attending should have been treated. She needed another set of hands and having her new doctor in chairs was not where she needed her.

"Dr. Delaney, I'm Dr. Susan Lewis. Kerry, um Dr. Weaver said that you would be here today. And we are happy that you are here. I am sorry that the desk clerk had you wait out here in chairs." She said to her.

"That's alright Dr. Lewis. I know how hectic these places can get. Dr. Weaver explained to me that you were short handed right now, and I am more than willing to help you out. "She said to her.

"Let me show you around really quick and then unfortunately I am going to have to put you to work. I am down a doctor today and when you are short handed to begin with doesn't help. And this place is swarming with patient s that need to be seen."

"Not a problem I am a fast learner and I am sure that you have an excellent nursing staff that can help me out if I need it. Nurses are the best asset that an ER has and they are so under appreciated at times." Dr. Delaney said.

Haleh and Malik overheard her saying this to Dr. Lewis.

"Did you just hear what she said?" Malik said.

"I sure did. A doctor that actually appreciates a nurse that's a new one. I wonder how long she will last around here."

"Probably not very long. She'll get overworked and leave just like everyone else seems to do." Malik said.

Susan gave Erin a quick tour of the ER. Erin made a mental note of where everything was. She was also hoping the nursing staff would be able to help her out if she got herself into a bind and couldn't find anything. She really believed that the nursing staff was a vital part of the ER and that Doctors couldn't do their jobs effectively if they didn't have good nurses. Erin got this believe from her mother who was a nurse and had done the job for several years even before her daughter had announced to the family that she was going to become a doctor. She valued everything that her mother had taught her about respecting those who worked with her, even if they were not what she was. A healer came in many forms not just that of a doctor.

Erin dug into the pile of charts that were before them. She knew that they needed to clear the board as efficiently as they could with out compromising patient care. She had been trained in one of the busiest hospitals in America and could handle about anything that came thru the doors.

"Haleh, can I get 150 of benedryl in exam 3 please when you have a chance?" Erin asked her.

"Sure Dr. Delaney." She said as she headed off.

Erin and Susan managed to get the board caught up before the next shift came on. Well Susan was a part of the next shift; with Kerry gone she was left picking up a bunch of extra shifts to fill out the rest of the schedule.

"Dr. Lewis, are you sure you don't want me to stay over for you. You look beat and tired; I don't mind staying for you." Erin said to her.

"No it's okay it was just nice to have another doctor onboard to help out today and to put on the schedule now. The night crew should be here soon and there is enough of them that I can go hide somewhere and take a short nap before it gets hectic again." She said, "Just hand off your patients to Dr. Carter when he gets here."

"Dr. Carter, is that John Carter?" She asked.

"Yeah it is. Why do you know him?" Susan replied.

"From a long time ago. He and I were in med-school together, but that was forever ago. I didn't know that he was an attending here?" Erin said.

"Well he's not an attending here. He is the chief resident for now." Susan said.

Erin had a puzzled look on her face, "oh I thought that by now he'd be done."

"I am sure that he will be happy to see you." She said.

"Oh I wouldn't be to sure about that." She said, "it's not like when we last saw each other we were on the best of terms."

"I'm sure Carter wouldn't hold a grudge. Or at least not for this long no matter what you did to him." Susan said.

"Can you keep a secret?" Erin asked.

"Sure. I'm not a big mouth come on let's go in the lounge and get some coffee first." Susan said pulling her down the hall.

As soon as the door shut behind them and they knew that there was no one else in there, "So what is the big secret that would make Carter not happy to see you?"

"I left him at the alter." She said, "we were supposed to get married and I got cold feet and couldn't go thru with it. I left Chicago and haven't been back since then. That was over ten years ago. I didn't even have the guts to face him."

"Wow. I could see now why he wouldn't be that happy to see you after all this time." Susan said.

"Yeah I know. I didn't know that he was working here or I might not have come. Even though I know that you desperately need the help." She said.

"I didn't know that Carter had ever been that serious with anyone. He's never had a serious relationship all the time that I have known him." Susan said.

Just then Carter came thru the lounge door for the start of his shift.

"Hey Susan." He said heading over to his locker. It was almost as if he didn't see Erin standing there.

"Hi Carter." Susan said as she looked up at Erin, "I'll see you later."

"Night Susan." Erin said.

"You're on tonight too Susan." Carter said turning around coming face to face with Erin. "Erin." His face went expressionless. He couldn't believe that she was standing there in front of him. The last time that he had seen her was the night before they were supposed to get married.

"Hello John." She said trying not to make anymore eye contact with him.

"What are you doing here? And why did you come back?" He asked.

"I'm working here now and that's why I came back. I had no idea you were here, if I had I wouldn't have come." She said looking at him awkwardly. She was extremely uncomfortable. She wished that she could just disappear. She never imagined that she would have to come face to face with him again.

"I can't say that I am happy to see you." John said coldly.

"I don't imagine that you are at all happy to see me. And I am sure that if you had you're way I wouldn't be here or anywhere ever." She said.

"I'm actually surprised that you are a doctor now. With your fear of commitment." He said to her.

"I don't have a fear of commitment John." She said. She wasn't going to get into anything from the past with him right now if she could avoid it.

"Funny that's not how I remember it." He said to her.

"I am not going to get into this with you here. In fact, I am not going to get into it at all with you. What has happened has happened and I am not willing to explain myself to you right now." She said to him.

"You never were willing to explain anything to anyone. You always left that to someone else. I was the one left to explain everything when you left that night and never came back. I bet you didn't even think twice about what you were doing did you?" He started to raise his voice at her.

"John Carter, I am not going to get into this with you. This is not the time or the place to be having this discussion." She said trying to get him off the subject.

"Are you ever going to have this discussion with me?" He asked.

"Probably not. I don't owe you anything." She said coldly.

"You owe me a lot more than you think you do." He said to her.

Another doctor walked into the lounge. Carter turned to her.

"Chen are you off?" He asked her.

"Yeah I am why?" She replied.

"Can you cover for me for a couple of hours?" Carter asked, "I have something that I need to take care of that just popped up out of the blue."

"Yeah sure I suppose I can." She said, "but you will owe me one."

"I'm not doing this John." Erin turned and walked out of the lounge.

"Thanks Chen, I owe you one." He said throwing on his coat and following Erin out of the hospital.

"Erin stop right there." He yelled.

For some reason Erin paused. She wasn't sure why she stopped she didn't want to have this conversation with Carter. Not now, not ever. In her mind she didn't owe him anything anymore. She said everything that she had to say when she got on that plane and left the night before their wedding. "Drop it Carter."

"I am not going to drop it and you are going to explain why you left like you did."

"That was over ten years ago. I am not going to go dragging up emotions from that long ago. I am sure that until today you were completely over me. Just leave it like that." She said.

He reached out and grabbed her arm to keep her from walking away from him again. She was not getting away from him that easily this time. He let her go once with out any word not a second time. He wasn't going to work with her every day not knowing what caused her to run from him the first time.

"Why are you so hell bent on knowing that which you don't need to know John?" She said to him.

"The same reason that you are so hell bent on not telling me what I need to know. You walked away from me with out even looking back. No phone call, no letter, nothing. You broke my heart back then and I want to know why." He said to her.

"I am not going to tell you why." She said turning away from him.

"Don't you do this to me again?" He said.

"Don't do what to you again. Leave you, is that what you don't want me to do again, or is it that you don't want me to leave you in the dark again. You have to answer to everything and maybe, there are no answers this time. You can't accept that can you?" She said to him.

"Erin, you can't be straight with me can you? It is either your way or no way. You are still the self-centered bitch that you have always been. And to think that I loved you enough to want to spend the rest of my life with you. That will never happen again." He said.

"Yes John, I am everything that you think that I am and then some. My only goal in life ever was to make you miserable. I never intended on marrying you, I could never marry you because I am so self-centered that I realized that by marrying you I would have ruined every career plan I had. I knew that I didn't need you to be an excellent physician, so I decided to get rid of you before you got in my way." She said looking at him.

John looked at her with quiet eyes. It was almost as if he didn't know what to say to her after she spewed all of this at him. He didn't know whether to be hurt again or to let it go now that he had the answers that she didn't give to him before. He had always wondered why she had left with out telling him why. "Really," was all he could muster in response to her?

"Yes really. There are you happy now that you have an answer to what you thought you needed to know. Is that everything that you wanted from me? Don't bother answering that, cause that is all that you are going to get from me. I don't owe you anything John Carter. I never have and I never will." She spat at him. She had just spit out an answer. She was angry with him for making her revisit the past. To revisit a point in time that she didn't want to remember. The real reason that she had left him still haunted her. His family didn't want him to be a doctor; they didn't want her to encourage him to follow their dreams. They didn't want her to be around him; in their eyes they saw her as a bad influence upon him. She had known that they had paid off some of Carter's other serious relationships that they didn't see fit, and she had been added to the list of people of wouldn't or couldn't stand up to the Carter family, or the Carter family fortune. Either way she wouldn't ever let Carter know what she had done, or what they had offered her to leave and never look back. She had never planned on ever seeing John Carter again. She wished with all her might that he wasn't here right now, that they were not having this conversation. She wished that she didn't have to stand here in front of him and lie to him all over again. Leaving him the first time had broken her heart, but she did it because she loved him and didn't want anything bad for him. She knew that the family relationship was strained as is; she wasn't going to be the person to come between John and the rest of the Carter's. If they were going to disown him, she wanted it to be because of something he did on his own, not because of his love for her. She couldn't make eye contact with him now. She didn't think that she would ever be able to look him in the eyes again. Somehow she hoped that Carter wouldn't notice any of this. She had gotten good at lying over the years and she would keep lying to him as long as it suit her purpose and kept the truth hidden from him.

There was an awkward silence between them now. Neither of them knowing what to say to the other after what Erin had just blurted out. Erin had nothing more to say to Dr. Carter. She had her own life now and hadn't come back to Chicago in hopes of finding him. That was the last thing on her mind. She had worked so hard to avoid him that seeing him walk into that lounge nearly destroyed her. She wasn't going to let it though. The past was the past, she didn't need him, and she didn't love him anymore. Or did she and that was the reason that she couldn't face him all these years. Was she still pining for the handsome young doctor that she had met as only a med-student? His deep brown eyes still wore his emotions clearly. He was almost as if he hadn't changed in all these years. Yet surely he had to have. He couldn't be the same person that she had walked away from. Just doing that surely had to have changed him. It had changed her in ways that she never imagined that it would. She stood there wondering if he was going to say anything or if she should just walk away, walk away and not give him the chance to say anything that either one of the might regret.

She turned and started to walk away. She wasn't going to look back. She would talk to Susan and see if she could make sure that they didn't have to work the same shifts if that would be possible at all. She didn't want to be around him. She didn't want to see his handsome face, his beautiful dark eyes; she didn't want to have to face the love that she had so precariously thrown away with out a second thought. She had broken his heart and she needed him to think that.

"Erin why do you feel you need to lie to me, after all this time why?" He said.

She turned and looked at him as she continued walking, "It's not a lie John. I am what you think I am and I will never be anything more than that. It's not possible for me to be anything more." And with that she disappeared out of his sight.

John watched her walk out of sight. He could tell by the way she had gotten so quiet that she was lying to him. There was no doubt there. He just didn't know why she felt the need to lie to him. Why she had to tell him all that bullshit. She must not have known that he knew what his family had done all those years ago, that they had paid her to leave him and never look back again. She was keeping up the front that they wanted her to. He knew that she was a proud woman and would never admit that she wasn't able to stand up to the elder Carters. All John wanted was for her to admit that she had loved him and that the only reason that she had left was because of the pressure from them. But how could he tell her that he knew her little secret.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

She walked over to catch the EL. Right now she just wanted to be home in the safety of her apartment. Carter had shaken her to the bone. She had gotten so good at lying to herself that lying to him was almost second nature. She just wasn't sure if he bought her story or not. Not that she had given him any reason not to believe her. She just didn't want to relive the past anymore than he should want to. Why did he insist on knowing what he didn't need to know?

Why couldn't just leave things the way that they were and go on with his life. Not that she had managed to go on with hers. She hadn't had a serious relationship since they had broken up. She had bounced from relationship to relationship afraid of commitment. She didn't want to make the same mistake that she had made with Carter all over again. She didn't want to find a family that didn't want her in it.

That and she had her career, a career that had over the years made her happy. She loved being a doctor and wasn't going to do anything that might change that. A man would just get in the way of her working the hours that she needed to work to make herself what she was today.

Yet what was that. She wasn't sure. She was a doctor that hospitals sought out to be on their staff. She was in high demand. So why did she come to Chicago. She could have had her choice of any hospital in the United States. One that would pay her a lot more than County ever could. How long would she stay, she was sure that there would be someone else out there waiting to snatch her up for her skills and her talents. But yet this is almost was where she wanted to be.

She wanted to be working where she felt that she was needed. This place needed doctors and that is what she was. First and foremost she was a doctor. She needed to remind herself of that. She didn't need John Carter and he didn't need her. After all he probably had a girlfriend by now. He had to have. Why was she sitting her trying to convince herself of that? Why should that matter to her, it shouldn't.

He was now a colleague, whether she wanted him to be or not. Sleep that is what she needed. If she could get some sleep she could get all of this out of her mind. She could quite obsessing about John Carter. For that is what she was doing. She had been constantly thinking about him ever since she had to have that talk with him. The one that he forced to her to have. She could have gone the rest of her life not having that conversation, but yet she had to have it with him. What was going on with her? This wasn't like her.

She needed to get over this and soon. Before she had to see him at work. Erin threw on her pajamas and hopped into her bed. She knew that if she could get some sleep that all of this would be nothing more than a bad dream that she wouldn't have to relive ever again. The morning would bring a new day and she looked forward to that new day with renewed pleasure.

Carter stormed around the ER. Everyone could tell that he was in a bad mood, yet no one could put their fingers on what had put him there. It seemed that every little thing made him even grumpier. He couldn't get Erin out of his mind. She hadn't been there in years and here now she was flooding his mind with memories of what they had shared and the night that she left him. Susan pulled him aside.

"Carter how long are you going to be in this mood of yours." She asked.

"What mood. I am not in any mood." He said looking at her.

"Come on. You have been mad at the world since you came back. I don't know what you went and did but now you are being an ass. How much of this has to do with Dr. Delaney being here?" She asked.

"None of it has anything to do with Dr. Delaney." Carter replied, "why would I even care about her being her. We needed another doctor and that is what she is."

"Come off it Carter. I know what she did to you." Susan said to him, "do you want to talk about it. I can't have you snapping at patients and the nurses all night long."

"No I don't want to talk about it. There really is nothing to talk about." he told her.

"Don't lie to me." That was all Susan could say to him. She knew that this was bugging him, but all she wanted was for him to get it out of his system and go back to being human again.

"I am not lying to you. Not like she is lying to me. I know why she left and I can't figure out why she won't tell me the truth about it. It's not like she has anything to hide from me after all these years." He said to her.

"Carter, if you know then why don't you tell you that you know. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe she thinks that she is protecting you from something." Susan said, "I need her on my staff right now especially with Kerry going missing so much lately. I can't run the ER when we are constantly down a doctor. It just doesn't work that way and I don't want any bad blood between the two of you to chase her off. We had a hard enough time finding a doctor who would even come on staff here."

"I am not going to chase her off. If she leaves it's cause she can't commit to anything. She has always had a fear of commitment and that isn't something that anyone can change. I'd be looking for someone to take her place and soon. She won't stay very long. She hasn't changed since the last time that I saw her and I doubt that she is even willing to change for anyone." Carter said.

"Yeah I am sure that you know her best. What it was ten years ago that you last saw her. And the two of you left on bad terms. I don't think that you are the best judge of her character. I mean can you say anything good about her. Yet let alone know anything about her skills as a doctor. She wasn't even a doctor when you two split up. But it seems to me that she has worked hard over the past ten years to get to where she is now. I know for a fact that she is a highly sought after professional. She's a damn good doctor and I don't want what happened between the two of you to mess that up for County. You are an attending here so start acting like it and play nice with the other doctors. Even if you don't like them." Susan said being hard on him. She wasn't going to have him mess any of this up. Kerry would have her head if the new attending didn't last more than a few days around Carter.

Carter stormed off. He had patients that he needed to see and Susan was keeping him from doing that. Sure he wasn't in the best of moods, but seeing her, in his ER of all places put him in a foul mood. Why couldn't she just stay gone? He didn't need her anymore. He might not have had anyone important in his life right now but he did not need her! After what had happened between him and Abby, this woman, this doctor was the last person he needed to turn his life into something that resembled chaos. Erin coming back to Chicago after all this time was something that he couldn't control either. He was just going to have to accept the fact that she was here and there was nothing that he could do about it other than try to get along with her, if that was humanly possible. He didn't know if that was. But he was going to try to keep Susan happy.

Carter hurried around the ER taking care of his patients. The night was fairly slow, so it wasn't as if he was swamped. There was even time for him to sit down and get some of his charts done before he would leave this morning.

Carter had every intention of going home but for some reason he stopped and asked Jerry for the new attending doctor's address. He wasn't sure why he was doing this. He really didn't want to see her yet he was compelled to go there. Maybe he wanted to call her on what he knew and see if she would bolt again. Maybe he just wanted to call a truce to everything and get on with life and not have to worry about her anymore. Not that he needed to worry about her. What Erin was, was that she was a piece from the past nothing more. He repeated that to himself over and over again. He thought that if he told himself that enough that he would finally begin to believe it himself.

He walked up to her door and stood there for a minute before he could bring himself to knock on it. He didn't know if he was doing the right thing or not. Finally he found the courage as he brought his hand up and knocked on her door.

Erin was laying in bed. She didn't want to get up and face the day yet. The bed was warm and it felt so good just to lay there. She had no reason to get up yet. She didn't have to work for another 4 hours. It was 7:30 and she didn't have to be at the hospital until noon. Why rush. She decided that she was going to enjoy a lazy morning.

She heard someone knocking on her front door. She had no idea who would be bugging her. Very few people knew where she lived. She liked it like that. She wasn't an outgoing person with a lot of friends. She tried to save her people personality for at work.

"I'm coming." She yelled at she crawled out of bed and tossed on her robe. Who ever it was needed to wait for a minute. She tripped her way across the apartment heading for the door.

Carter could hear her moving around the apartment. He wondered how long it was going to take her to get to the door. But then he realized that she had probably been sleeping. After all she wasn't on at the hospital this morning when he had left.

Erin made it to the door and opened it. She was more than surprised to come face to face with Carter. She didn't know what would possess him to be there. She wasn't extremely happy to see him, "hello John." She said coldly.

"Can I come in?" He asked. He could tell that she wasn't happy that he was there knocking on her door so early in the morning.

"I suppose if you need to. I don't know why you are here. I thought that we said everything that we needed to say to each other last night." Erin replied as she moved out of the doorway to let him in if she had to. She didn't mean to be cold and distant but there was something about him showing up that made her that way. Who was she protecting now?

"No we didn't." He said staring at her.

"Come on John, don't you have a life?" She said.

"Yeah I do, but I want to put this part of my life to rest for ever now. And you are the only one who can do that for me."

"How lucky for me. What makes you think that I am going to help you? Remember I'm a self-centered bitch. I only look out for myself." She said

"No you're not. I just said that cause I was upset with you. That isn't the woman that I remember." He said looking at her. He needed to find a way to try to make peace with her or he would never get the answers that he was desperately searching for from her. This wall that she had put up, who was it there for now, was she keeping him out or trying to keep herself from falling again for him.

"I don't think you remember me right then. I left you standing at the alter remember." She said turning her back to him so that he couldn't see the pain in her eyes. He must be getting some sick twisted kick out of coming her and rubbing all of this in her face. She was going to cut him to the bone.

"Oh I remember you all right. All I want from you is for you to tell me why. I know what you did. I know what my family did. It was all brought out when grandpa passed away. Gamma felt bad for what he had done, but there wasn't anything that she could do to change it." He said to her.

She was silent for a minute. He knew. Well then why was he here, "John," She let out a very heavy sigh, they were dragging up things that didn't need to be drug up now. She wished that he could just let the past stay there, "if you know then why are you here? What is it that you want from me?"

"I want to hear it from you. I want to know why you couldn't turn him down." Carter said as he put his hand on her arm in order to make her turn around and face him. Hearing it wasn't enough he wanted to be able to see the look in her eye when she told him that was all it would take for him to know if she was lying to him still or telling him the truth.

"What's the point John? I don't want to go there. And I hate to tell you this, you can't make me anymore. There was a time in my life that I would have done anything for you, but not anymore. What love I had for you is long gone. It left my heart the day that I got on that plane and left Chicago and never looked back. I never intended on see you again. And I am sorry if I have just happened to stumble into the same ER when you are an Attending at, what can I say life sucks now for both of us. But that's what you are there, another doctor. Don't forget though that I am not some intern or resident that you have to take under your wing. I am an attending now. I don't know why you aren't an attending somewhere else or in a private practice living the high life but that's none of my business. I am a full fledged doctor. I am good at what I do. I turned down some nice offers to work at County. Don't try to make my time there miserable. I am over you." She said pulling away from him.

"Look that isn't why I am here. I couldn't give a rat's ass if you were over me or not. You don't want to tell me why you couldn't turn down grandpa and his money well then that's fine. But don't get my wrong I know that he paid you off for some reason. I may never know the reason but it just doesn't make sense why you would, you of all people would do something like that." He said. His eyes were focused intently on her, "I trusted you with everything that I was. I thought you were different, special, I would have done anything for you."

"To keep you from being disowned." She said quietly, "that's why."

John barely heard her, but those words were almost shocking to him. "To keep me from being disowned. They wouldn't have done that."

"Oh come on John, they didn't like me. They didn't like they fact that I was encouraging you to become a doctor. They thought that if I left things would be better for you. You wouldn't be following me to become a doctor. You would go and work with them. I see now that it didn't change you're mind about becoming a doctor. But I wasn't going to be the reason that you're family left you out in the dark. I knew how to take care of myself, you didn't. I loved you to much to be the cause of any discourse between you and your family John." Erin's eyes were downcast towards the floor now; when she left she knew that she'd never be able to look him in the eye if he had ever found out that she had done that.

"Well as you can see you leaving didn't change anything, and I still managed to get disowned. At least for a little while. It wasn't long, and I learned a few lessons and how important family was to me. But there was so much that happened that probably would have happened whether you had stayed or gone. But I know now that you didn't love me enough to stay." He said heading toward the door.

She wanted to cry out that he was wrong, but she couldn't. Let him think that, it would make things easier for him and now maybe he could move on with his life and she would no longer mean anything.

"John, truce, please let's just agree to be colleagues, nothing more, nothing less. I don't want anything from you and I know that you don't want anything from me. Leave it at that. I won't leave County just because you can't work with me." Erin had to say something anything before he left that apartment. She knew once he walked out those doors that was going to be the last time that either of them spoke of this.

"Colleagues then, nothing more." He said turning and walking out of her apartment. He got what he wanted from her and now he could move on with his life closing that door in his past or could he. How could someone that he hadn't thought about in a long time, who had cut him so deeply, have such a strange hold on his heart? Was there still a little piece of him that honestly loved her?

He walked down towards the river now to clear his head, he had a lot to think about and the only thing that was right there in the front of his mind was the woman from his past, the one who had a hold of his heart so deeply that he had wanted to spend forever with her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

With three other job offers on the table, it would have been so easy for Erin to just pick up and run now that things had gotten uncomfortable for her at County. Something inside of her didn't want to leave them in a lurch and yet short another set of hands. She would have to find someway to put any emotion that she felt for John on the back burner and do her job. However impossible that might have felt at the moment she knew that's what she had to do.

There was something about him that still got to her. She wasn't sure if it was that boyish smile of his, the charm that he had, the way that he always wore his emotions on his sleeve or just the plain and simple matter of the fact that Erin had never gotten over John. He wasn't an easy man to forget.

He was the one that she thought about on those cold nights while studying for exams. His picture she had always kept and had a special place for where no one else could see it, right now the last photo that they had taken together was sitting on her dresser where it always had been. Never able to put it away and not look at it, she had tried, god knows she had tried; she made it three days before having to put it back in her place.

She had even tried dating someone else, but that hadn't worked. He had been the one that she had loved, truly loved and had gone and thrown it all away. Her reasons for leaving at the time had seemed so sound, so realistic, as if they really mattered to her. She hadn't done it for the money, that wasn't why. She did it because she knew the importance of family. Erin had grown up most of her life without one of her own.

For the longest time it had been just her and her dad. Her mom split when Erin was only a few months old, so she had no real memories of her. She only had her dad's side of the story, but her mom was really young when Erin was born and couldn't handle the pressures that having a child brought. Basically she didn't want to grow up and be responsible for Erin. She and her dad lived with her grandmother until Erin was about 10 and then they moved out into a small apartment.

Her dad had always taken really great care of her, making sure that she was never alone after school, that she had food on the table and clothes on her back. He was a hard working single father who did everything he could for his little girl. Erin knew that whatever you wanted from life too hard work. The thing that she had never learned was how to make a relationship work, she'd never seen it. Erin's dad never had a girlfriend for more than a few months at the most. They came and went like the months on a calendar. She wasn't sure why her dad couldn't find someone, in her eyes it wasn't from lack of trying.

She crossed from the living room of her apartment into her bedroom now, she might as well go in early since she was up and awake. She changed from her pajamas into her clothes and then headed for the hospital. It didn't look nearly as chaotic as the day before but it was still busy and they looked like they could use another set of hands. She put her things into her locker and then jumped into treating patients. Using it as yet another distraction rather than actually having to deal with what was on her mind. It wasn't long before she was bombarded with medical students needing help or charts signed by residents needing an attending physician's signature before discharging a patient. She was working Noon to midnight there to cover when the day became the night shift so that they wouldn't get back up as doctors handed off patients leaving or coming for the day.

"Erin!"

She heard someone calling her name and stopped in her tracks to see who it was. "Yeah Susan."

"We've got a multiples coming in. Pile up on the Eisenhower, Mercy's closed to trauma so we're getting the brunt."

"How many?" Erin asked back as she headed the direction she had just come from.

"As many as 12 critical and probably 50 minors." Susan replied as she picked up the phone to call in more hands.

"Got it." Erin answered as she helped to get things set up. "Whose doing triage?" She asked as she passed by Susan uncertain if they wanted her to do it or if she was going to be taking cases as they came flying through those doors. Erin knew that it wouldn't be long before the ER was a zoo.

"Pratt will triage you take the first one that comes in, I'll be right behind you." Susan answered her. Erin dawned a yellow trauma gown as she headed to meet the first of what was to be the start of a very long night.

She followed the first one in, the estimates of how many they were going to get were off, as to be expected. She handled the first two patients pretty much solo as the got hit and hit hard. Everyone was up to their necks with patients and spare hands where hard to find.

She was on her third critical when she heard another doctor's voice in the trauma room with her. "What do you have?"

Erin looked up from what she was doing just long enough to see that it was, oh just her luck, Carter in there with her, "25 year old unrestrained driver, LOC, intubated." She started in knowing full well that she didn't need to explain it to him of all people. She started to put in a chest tube on the left side since that's where she was at.

The next thing that Erin knew was that Carter was jumping in on her patient. There were plenty of other ones and she didn't needs his hands in her patient. "I've got this Carter." Erin said, "go help someone else."

"He needs another chest tube, hang another two units." Carter said.

"I've got it Carter get out of here." Erin yelled now as she worked to get the tube in.

"I'm staying."

"The hell you are get out of my trauma."

Carter continued to put in the chest tube, "he's crashing." Carter moved now to listen to the chest glancing at Erin, "tubes not in."

"What do you mean the tubes not in I checked the placement myself. I'm the one that did it."

"I'm telling you the guys not getting air." Carter said as he moved to re-establish the patients' airway.

"Touch that tube and I am tossing your ass out of here." Erin said getting defensive over her work, she didn't like the fact that another doctor was telling her that she had done something wrong that she knew she had done right.

"You couldn't commit to tossing me out." Carter said as he repositioned the breathing tube and listened to the lungs.

"I sure as hell could." Erin yelled back at him now, "I don't have the issues that you think I have."

"Prove me wrong."

"Get away from my patient." She said as she continued to try and save the poor schmuck who was on the table and unfortunately now caught in the middle of a battle. "I don't have anything to prove to you, just get out of here and let me work."

"Why so you can kill him," Carter said, "you obviously have no clue as to what you are doing you can't even tube him right."

"I had him intubated." She said giving Carter the evil eye, "you must have knocked it when you came barging in here and took over. I know what I am doing." Erin snapped back.

"Doctors, we've lost his pulse if you care to treat him when you are done fighting." One of the nurses said to them both.

"Push an amp of epi," they both said at the same time.

"Start CPR and get me the paddles charge to 300." Carter said.

"You start it yourself." Erin said shocked that even she could be that petty but he was coming in here and taking over as if he was god almighty. She snapped up the lab results that had just come back and read them quickly over this wasn't good. "Where's his x-rays?"

"Not back yet."

"Run and get them I need them now." She said, "get the sonosite in here too," she knew he was bleeding from somewhere she just didn't know where. "Squeeze in another 2 units now." She said as she watched Carter doing CPR.

"What are you thinking?" Carter asked looking at her.

"Duh Sherlock he's bleeding from somewhere." She answered.

"Want to curb the sarcastic remarks there and work with me?"

"Not particularly." Erin said as she watched her patients heart still not want to beat on it's own, "nothing high dose Epi and let's shock again." She said.

"Clear." She said once the paddles where in her hands and she didn't give Carter enough time to fully clear the patient before she sent that jolt through the patients. She watched Carter as he went down to the floor, "oops." Well that was one way to get rid of an annoying second physician.

She worked to stabilize her patient and get him up to the OR and the nurses took Carter off to take care of him, so what she gave him an extra jolt to start his day, she really didn't feel horrible about it. Granted she didn't feel great about it either, but he had pushed her buttons and well frankly she did say clear.

She went back to work not giving it much thought. She finished triaging what patients there were and suturing him the last of the minor lacerations before heading into the lounge to get a cup of coffee it was now nearly midnight and soon she'd be able to go home, take a hot shower and climb into bed.

"I hear you tried to kill one of my doctors today." Susan said as she entered the lounge a few steps behind Erin.

"That's a little on the harsh side." Erin said.

"Nurses said you two were arguing and then you shocked him."

"I said clear he didn't move that was his poor decision." Erin replied.

"You two need to find a way to work together, I can't have my staff at each other's throats all the time." Susan said, "I have nothing against you or him but this has got to stop when you endanger patients."

"I didn't endanger anyone today." Erin said okay well maybe Carter. "I had that situation under control and cowboy bob decided that I needed another doctor in there when I didn't. You keep him from stepping on my toes and treating me like another one of his students and I'll keep the hatchet out of his back."

"You two need to play nice Erin, I mean it, granted I'm glad to have another set of hands around here and you seem to know what you are doing, but Carter's been a friend for a long time, he's got seniority here, don't make me choose between him and you."

"Dr. Lewis." Erin said now, she stopped herself before she said something that she shouldn't. "I think that you'd better work us opposite shift, cause the problem doesn't lie with me, it lies with him." She said changing her tone. "I'm not one to hold grudges but I will not have someone come in and take over a patient like I'm a first year medical student who needs their hand held. I know what I am doing, I'm good at my job and he needs to respect that."

Susan just shrugged her shoulders; her new attending did have a point there. "I'll talk to him, but you might be working a lot of nights."

There was nothing that Erin could do about that, "then so be it." She looked up at the clock. "You board is caught up and I did the more complicated suturing." She said, "I'm off at midnight so I will see you tomorrow. Just let me know what my new schedule will be after you talk to Carter." She knew that stubborn ass wasn't going to want to work with her anymore than she wanted to work with him. God it sucked, she had a thing for Carter but to act on that would be playing with fire.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

Erin went home and climbed into her shower relaxing away the day the best that she could. Even she had to admit that it hadn't been one of her better ones and the more she thought about it, the worse she felt about shocking Carter in the trauma. But he had been being an ass there was no two ways about that.

She dried off and pulled on her favorite pajamas before climbing into her bed. It was late and she needed the sleep. She snuggled down under the blankets closing her eyes the minute her head hit the pillow.

"Young lady," a voice said to her, "he does not need your influence. You have been nothing but trouble and my grandson would be better off without your presence in his life."

"I haven't done anything." Erin replied back. "All I have done is loved your grandson." Her stance and posture started to take on a more defensive nature. "What are you saying to me? That you don't want us to get married, we're supposed to in the morning. It's to late to call it off. I don't want to call it off."

"If you know what's best for both of you, you will pack your bags tonight and I will see you off."

Erin could taste the blood in her mouth from where she had bitten her lip. She didn't want to do that to Carter, to just up and leave like that. There had to be something else that could be done. "I can't do that. I can't give him up just like that; walk away from him is something that I am not willing to do, not for you."

"Yes you can." The older man said to her now, his grasp becoming firm on her arm. "The boy is to blind to see what's good for him, you on the other hand, I know you know what's right. And getting out of Chicago as soon as you possibly can would be in your best interest."

Erin tried to pull her arm away now. "No, I told you I can't do that and I will not let you bully me into running away."

"Oh but my dear I can and I will. He won't chose his family over you, his blind loyalty won't allow that, but I can tell you this, it's either going to be you and constantly having to worry about where the rent money will be coming from, how you will be paying for both of your tuitions, where you will be living and what you'll be eating, or his family."

He had hit on the one thing that Erin knew needed to be held dear. You could fall in love with anyone, but you only had one family and that is where your loyalty needed to lie. She couldn't be the reason that Carter no longer was a part of his family. "You are lying." She managed to finally get out.

"Do you really want to try me on this?" He said back to her with an icy tone, one that sent shivers up Erin's spine.

She looked at him now with tears in her eyes, "no I don't." She said softly her eyes falling down now so that she was looking at the ground rather than at him anymore. She didn't want him to see that he had gotten to her, that he had brought those tears to her eyes, her pride, what was left of it wouldn't let that be.

"I knew you wouldn't my dear." He said as he pulled on her, "no you run upstairs and you pack and we'll get you on the first plane out of here. Don't worry you will be fully compensated for your troubles in having to relocate on such short notice."

"Where… where am I to go?" She asked softly.

"Anywhere but here." He said, "I will make sure that you have arrangements to be able to continue on with your education." He wasn't completely cold hearted and if it would get the girl out of his life the better it would all be in the end.

"But John, I can't just leave…."

"No you will get on that plane and you will never look back."

"But he will never forgive me." Erin said her voice not more than a whisper, "I can't do that to him." She was protesting now trying to get the old man to at least give her some sort of chance to say goodbye.

"He will forget you in time and you'll forget all about him as well. No contact, you won't come back here again, do we have an understanding."

Erin nodded from behind her crying eyes now as he led her up the stairs back into the room where she had been staying and he practically helped her pack her bags, taking very little, insisting that she could get what she needed when she got there. In his eyes the sooner she was out of Chicago the better things would be.

Before she could blink she was sitting on a plane heading out of Chicago bound for someplace where she had never been before, taking her away from everything that she had ever known. From her home, her friends, her life and the man that she would forever love with all her heart and knew she would never forget no matter how much time had passed.

She awoke in a cold sweat now as she sat up on her bed. A nightmare that she hadn't had in years, remembering that day that had changed her life in ways that she never imaged that it could. She got up and walked over to her dresser pulling open and drawer and taking out a small box that was tucked behind everything.

That small box held one of her most treasured belongings, something that she never would part with for it reminded her of a time when she had the world to look forward too and nothing but happiness in her heart. This small box held two small mementoes that were kept in there. She lifted the first one out gently and with great care, for it was the engagement ring that Carter had given to her. She had never worn it after she had gotten off the plane in an attempt to forget the pain, but she had never gotten rid of it either, for there was something about it at times that was almost calming to her.

The second was one to remind her always of why she had walked away from Carter, his family. For there also tucked away in that box was the payoff his grandfather had given her. Never once had she even thought about touching it, she was better than that and would never let him be able to have that much control over her life. He had taken away the one thing that she had held dear for fear of him being alone, for hating her for coming between him and them.

Erin put the painful reminder back in the box but she slipped that ring back onto her finger for just a moment, she could remember the shy smile that was on Carter's face that night he asked her to be his. She could feel the small hint of a smile creeping onto her face as she closed her eyes to be there again.

They were both about to start their fourth year of undergraduate work at Penn State. It was summer and neither of them had wanted to really go home. Erin had nothing anymore to go home to and Carter was there just to spend more time with her. They had decided to take a road trip and just spend some time out in the middle of nowhere. They were now in some southern state camping out like a couple of kids with too much free time. Carter had managed to somehow by the grace of god start them a fire and they were sitting there under the stars now.

It was there out away from everyone else that he caught her completely off guard. He moved from having his arms wrapped around her holding her close to him. He moved so that he was in front of her and pulled her to her feet so that she was now standing. He then took her hand into his and dropped down onto one knee with the glow of the fire and the light of the moon the only light that was there. She could still remember the way that his faced looked with the soft light from the fire, how his eyes danced with the flames.

Standing there in her bedroom she could still feel her hands the way that they shook when he took her hand into hers. How her heart had pounded just a little more when she saw him down on that knee in front of her. That night was perfect in more than one way.

"Erin." His voice was soft and you could feel that he was as nervous as she was as she waited for the rest of his words, "I have waited for the right person to come into my life, someone who gives me as much joy as you do. When I'm with you I feel as if there is nothing that I cannot accomplish and when we are apart I long to be back with you. The past year has been something that I will never forget because you have been by my side, and I hope that we can turn this one year into many, many more. You hold the keys to my heart. Erin Josephine Delaney would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

A knock on her door snapped her from the thoughts of a time long passed, on that she would never get back again, to much had happened and be said for them to feel that way towards each other again. While she might have still loved Carter, she was under the impression that he no longer felt that way towards her. Erin quickly shut the box back in the dresser and pulled on her bathrobe as she caught the clock out of the corner of her eye, it was 4 a.m. Who in their right mind would be stopping by at this time of the morning?

She moved from her bedroom into the other room stepping up on her toes so that she could see through the peep hole the person on the other side of the door was the last person on earth that she ever thought would be gracing her door at this time of the morning. It had been a long time since she had gotten a visit at this time of the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

She stood there for a moment gathering herself up, did she dare open up that door. She was shocked to say the least that he was standing out side of her apartment after everything that had happened today. It just seemed as if the two of them were no longer destined to get along and the past needed to stay in the past.

"J… J… John." Erin stammered as she pulled the door open, she shook her head gently, "what… what are you doing here?"

He looked at her with an expression on his face that she couldn't read. There had once been a time when she could decipher any look that he had pass across his face but right now that time had long gone.

"We need to talk."

"John, it's four am. You are aware of that aren't you?" Erin asked him, her hands now laid folded across her chest, and effort to stay warm as she stood there in her doorway wondering why he had come here now.

"Yeah, I know." His voice was softer than it had been earlier in the day.

Erin very well couldn't just turn him away, while part of her wanted too. The more guilty part of her knew that she shouldn't do that. She shudder for a second as her mind caught up all the way with the rest of her. "Come in." She finally mustered the ability to speak and moved out of the door way to let him cross into her apartment, shutting the door behind him.

"Thanks."

"Do you want me to start some coffee or some tea; I have cocoa with those tiny marshmallows you used to like." She said moving towards the kitchen area.

"Whatever you like." He replied back to her again.

At this rate any kind of conversation that they were going to have was going to take all night and at some point in time Erin did want to go back to bed. "Is there something on your mind John?"

He just looked at her with those big brown eyes, and it was the look that could melt your heart. He had settled himself on one of the barstools and was looking at her standing in the kitchen as she put hot water on to boil. Her hand resting on top of the kettle caught his eye but he just couldn't bring himself to say anything about that right now.

"How is it that someone can come back into another person's life, in this giant whirlwind and have everything in their life come completely unglued?" He asked soft as could be as he looked at her.

Erin just looked up at him. "I didn't come to Chicago with the intentions of ramming through your life like a tornado John." She answered him now. Her eyes had for a moment locked with his but it was too uncomfortable to keep the gaze like that. "I didn't know that you were here. Running into you was the last thing that I honestly thought that I would do. I didn't know you were a doctor, I didn't know that you were still in Chicago. I thought for sure that by now you would be off overseas running some branch of the Carter Family Enterprise."

He just looked at me wide-eyed full of disbelief, "why would you think something like that?"

"No particular reason." She muttered back as she got down the coffee mugs from her cabinet.

"There has to be a reason that's not something that you just think out of nowhere. Why do you think that I would have given up medical school after you left?"

"There's really no reason John." Erin said as she sat the mugs down and looked at him, "it just made sense at the time to think that."

The kettle started to hiss making it's own sound as she removed it from the burner it was sitting upon. There was silence in the room now as she finished what she was doing and moved around the counter setting on in front of him and then motioning him to follow her. If she was going to sit and try to have any form of conversation with him she was at least going to be comfortable. She sat down in her chair and pulled her blanket over her lap, her legs curling under her as she turned to where she could see him better.

He sat down and looked over at her, "you think that because it's what they wanted."

She nodded her answer to him. "Yeah you could say that in a round about way."

"This is what I have wanted to do for a long time, and you of all people should know that. I thought that I didn't have to explain it to you like I did to them."

Erin reached over and touched his hand. "No, you don't have to explain it to me." She said her voice soft with him. "I know why you want to do it, and I'm sure that you are very good at what you do. You put so much of yourself into everything that you do John." Erin was almost at a loss for words now.

It just didn't feel right sitting there talking to him like this, not with the way that she was feeling, and something inside her wouldn't let her tell him what she was feeling. She didn't just want to come right out and say it, but he had a right to know didn't he? No, she couldn't say anything like that after being gone for so long it just wouldn't be right, it wasn't fair to him and she shouldn't have expected him to be able to return those feelings.

She didn't even know why they were attempting to have any kind of a conversation. They really didn't have anything of importance to say to each other, or that was what was running through her mind right now.

"Well I am and as you can see I am still in Chicago." He said to her, "why did you pick Chicago? If you are in such high demand as a doctor, have other offers on the table, why would someone like yourself pick a county facility, there's no money in it Erin."

"Money? What do you think that this is why I am doing this, why I became a doctor? You think that I am just in this for the money." She rolled her eyes and him and if for the fact that it was cold she would have gotten up and moved away from him, "money is not my motive it never has been."

"You could have fooled me."

"That just goes to show how well you really know me." She said now finding the courage to stand up and brave the chill that was in the air. More of it was coming from the two of them than from it actually being cold out side and with every word exchanged between them you could feel the temper drop even more. "I am not in this for the money, I never have been. Money can't buy you everything that you want in life not even close. Of all the people in the world that I know, you should know that more than anyone else."

"I didn't mean anything by it like that." He said as he noticed her now defensive posture. "You can relax Erin; I am not going to do anything."

"No you're not." She said rather matter of fact like. "Because I am not going to take the bait. I am not going to have constant battles with you. And while I might have over reacted in that Trauma and gone over board, you have been acting like an ass and I am not going to tolerate it."

"Tolerate it?" He said, "as if you have much of a choice. I'm not going away."

"I am well aware of the fact that you are not going away, and I hate to disappoint you on this one John, I have no intention of leaving my position at County."

Erin watched his mouth drop open as she said that. It was as if he had expected her to say something else. Almost as if he expected her to say fine and that she would pack her bags and be gone in the morning. "What John, did that one catch you off guard? Did you not think that I would stay?"

"No I had already half expected you to be on a flight out of Chicago."

"Well that's not happening. I have been ran out of the town once by a Carter and I am not going to let it happen again. I am staying. I like where I work, I am needed where I work, and not you or anyone else is going to get me to go. So you had better just get used to the fact that you and I will be working together. To back off and do my job and there will be no more problems between the two of us. You do what you do and I will do what I do." Erin said before turning her back towards him as if she was looking out the window. "Cause you are stuck with me."

"Ha, stuck with you." He said standing up from where he had been sitting, "stuck with you, well that ought to last a whole what maybe week if Susan is lucky. I promised her that I would not run off the new attending, and that I won't but I can't make you stay."

"You are right there, you can't make me stay. I have made the decision to stay whether you like it or not." She said.

"Like it or not, well that's some kind of option." He said. He knew that he was getting under her skin; you could tell by the way that her cheeks had started to flush and the nervous way she was shifting her weight back and forth between her feet.

"It's the only one you have right now."

"Erin who are you trying to fool? Do you think that you have something to prove to me?"

"I have nothing to prove to you John, I never have and I never will. You are not a factor in any of my decisions anymore." She bantered back.

"Oh," he said as he crossed the room over to where she was standing. "I don't factor into anything huh." He reached out and grabbed her hand. "Seems like I factor into things more than you are willing to admit."

She pulled her hand back as if his touch had burned her. "No you don't."

"If I don't matter anymore, if you don't care anymore, tell me then why this?" He pulled her hand back and held it up where both of them could see it. "Tell me, are you just sentimental or do you have an ulterior motive that you would like to share."

"In your dreams."

"Well that's something that I will only know."

"John, what's all this about, huh, why do you show up at my doorstep at 4 am. Insist that we need to talk and then just sit here and fight with me?" She asked, "surely there has to be something else that you could be doing rather than tormenting me."

"Nope that's all that is on my social calendar for the next two weeks, I figure that's about how long you will stay. If you stay that long."

"God, what the hell are you doing? This constant barrage of insults, of saying that I have commitment issue's really it needs to stop cause why you think you know the truth of everything you really have no idea. You don't know what it's like to be me, what I have done, or had to go through, you know nothing other than what you have in your mind." Erin said now as she pulled even further away from him.

"What I think I know, no honey, it's not what I think I know it's the truth that lies behind everything that I have ever needed to know that is what has been eating at me for the last 10 or so years."

"Then it can continue to eat at you for the next 20 years for all I care. When I first ran into you I told you that I wasn't going to relive this and I have no intentions of it." She wished that what she was saying was true for it seemed that even if she wasn't going to hash it out with Carter it was still there plaguing her nightmare, eating at her when she least expected it. She had no idea how to tell him that she couldn't do it anymore. That she was haunted for what she had done, but it was her penitence to pay not his. He couldn't feel the same way about this as she did, no time would have eased the ache that he felt in his heart, if there was any ache there. Maybe she had hurt him more than she ever imagined was humanly possible and he was holding some kind of giant grudge and was getting nothing but sweet kicks out of doing this to her.

There it was that horrible silence again. You would think that they would tire from trying to cut each other to the bone but that didn't seem to be happening, no it seemed to be the opposite as if this constant bickering was fueling some fire between the two of them and they didn't want to stop feeding it. For even fighting one had to admit, they were forcing themselves to spend time with each other.

"Ah, you know what I don't know what to do with you." Carter finally said.

"Who says you have to do anything with me John. There's the door you know how to walk right back out it the way that you came in." Erin replied.

"And if I don't want to do that?"

"Why in hell wouldn't you. I'm sure that I could come up with something else to say that would once again piss you off enough so that you would want to leave, perhaps this time never come back here again."

"You don't have the heart to do that." He said.

"Do you really want to try me?"

"What I mean with I don't know what to do with you, is that I don't know if I should take your stubborn ass into my arms and kiss you like I want to, or continue to stand here and fight with you because it's the only other thing that I know what to do to spend time here while I sort out how I really feel."

She took a step back, shocked by what she had just heard come from him.

"Did I finally manage to leave the great Dr. Delaney speechless?" When she didn't respond again, he could tell that either she was taken way back by what he had just said or she was in complete shock that after all this time he would want to or even suggest something of that nature. He took another step closer to her, approaching as one would some wild animal afraid to startle or scare them. "I know what I want now."

Her eyes got a little wider, unsure of what she was going to do, or even how to react to what she thought that he was going to do. She wasn't expecting this and was caught completely off guard by all of it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

Erin stood there still wide eyed and nervous, more nervous than she had been so many years ago when she had first met John. She didn't know if this was where she wanted this to go. Part of her was screaming for her to run away, this was a terrible mistake that she was about to commit and yet somewhere inside her heart there was a little voice telling her to go for it.

He wrapped his arms around her pulling her closer to him so that they were just inches apart from each other, nothing more than the wind could have passed between them right now. Her heart was beating faster in her chest now and she could feel her throat start to tighten up as her breath caught fast and was taken away by just how close she was to him. It was almost as if Erin's skin was on fire where he was touching her, and when he moved his hands up her arm there was a trail of goose bumps where he had brushed against her. Being close to John right now, it felt as if she had never left his side, as if they were picking up right where they had left off so many years ago.

She couldn't have said anything right now if she had wanted to. The feelings that were beginning to stir with in her were feelings that she had fought so hard to keep buried deep with in a part of her, they had been locked away and unreachable by anyone who had even attempted to bring them to life. Ten years was a long time to keep this kind of emotion bottled up inside of you, a long time to go with out feeling loved.

As Erin stood there and looked into his eyes she could have sworn that right then she could see that same look in his eye that said something that words had never been enough to explain. Some emotions ran deeper than words could explain. Love was one of those emotions. The way that it made you feel, the way that it took away your breath, made your heart beat fast in your chest, your skin tingle with the excitement from something as simple as the human touch.

With his hand he pushed back a stray strand of her hair that had fallen down covering her face. Now resting his hands, a touch that was soft and gentle, one upon each of her cheeks. She couldn't look away from him, even if she had wanted to. For she was held captive by his eyes. He was the only person that she knew whose eyes said so much; spoke so loudly that he didn't have to use words. One simple gaze from John Carter said it all.

They were treading dangerous ground. Feeling that could turn either way on a moments notice, for they were two people who at one point in time who loved each other with every ounce of themselves but yet it didn't come to be. She wanted to forget all of that but it wasn't something that she could forget. And if she acted on those feeling she didn't want to find herself in a position where come the morning she regretted this. She didn't know if he had some ulterior motive behind his actions, all of this could be nothing more than some kind of act, a twisted revenge. But the John that she knew wouldn't have it with in him to be that cruel, but then he could have change in those 10 years. Oh lord she was talking herself into backing out of it but then she didn't really want to back out of it and that might have been why she was still standing there and hadn't moved.

Carter could tell by the look of her face that she was having one of those internal battles, yet something inside him didn't want to let this moment pass. It was one that for the longest time that he had dreamed about. She was a woman that had a hold of him and he couldn't just let go, he too had tried with no success over the years, drifting from relationship to relationship but none of them lasting for any length of time.

He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers not waiting another moment and gave her a kiss that would shake her to the very depths of her soul. Her arms wrapped around her neck as he felt her returning his kiss. The world melted away as it became just the two of them, feeling as if they were the only two people in the world right now.

She had to wonder how he could do that to her as she pulled back a little from him, her head rested on his shoulder as she stood there staying in his arms but no longer in the passionate kiss that they had just shared. Part of her wanted to cry right now as old feelings surfaced and she could feel her heart ache just a little bit wanting more but unsure if she could continue on this road.

Carter kissed the top of her head before sighing softly now, not at the woman, but more at the situation that had found themselves in. He knew what he wanted but it was her reactions and her hesitations that were making him have second thoughts now. Right now that was the last place that he wanted his mind to go. All he knew right now was what felt good and it was having her in his arms. Heaven had never been so close to earth.

He ran his hands gently up and down her back in a soothing action, hoping that it would keep her calm, be something reassuring as it once was to her. He knew that he needed to find the way to make her know that this was a real deal, nothing but real emotion, the true feelings that he thought she had to have known he still held for her but had not be able to tell her he had. Those feelings had come rushing back into his heart when he saw the ring, the ring that he had given her there on her finger.

He could have sworn that it wasn't there when he had first seen her in the ER or there when they had, had that fight in her apartment. Yet tonight it was there as clear as the nose on his face. He had wanted to say something about what he had seen but he didn't want to start anything with the way that things stood right now, this was the longest since she had blow into town that they hadn't said anything hateful or hurtful to each other.

Carter reached down and swept her up off her feet holding onto her tightly as he kissed her once again. They didn't need the silence but he knew that right now they both wanted, they both needed the closeness that they were sharing. Nothing needed to be said right now, words could wait until later.

He carried her back to the bedroom. Not breaking the close contact that he had with her, with each step that he took he put a little more of himself into the kiss that he was giving her, getting closer to her and reconnecting just that much more with her. No longer was he afraid that he was going to get burned, that she would hurt him, he wasn't going to let her into his life enough for her to do that right now. He was only willing to let her in to ease the ache that he felt right now, to temporarily fill the void that she had left in his heart, to be able to say she was his just this one last time if that was all that was to be.

When he laid her down upon the bed her hands that had wrapped around his neck holding onto him, did not loosen, they pulled him in, she was giving him that open invitation that he had been waiting for. As the sun started to rise over Chicago marking the dawning of a new day, Carter and Erin welcomed something other than just that new day; it was the start of another page in their lives. A page that held uncertainty, betrayal and a longing for a relationship that neither of them new if they could give to the other.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Sorry for the long time in updating, I got swamped with a million things that I needed to do and wasn't able to work on this. I have to find a way to "prioritize" better, but here's the next chapter._

**Chapter 7:**

Erin rolled over later in the early hours of the morning to find another warm body in her bed. She brought her hands up to run through her hair as she woke up enough to remember what had gone on previously in the evening. She got up gingerly and carefully from the bed as to not to wake her sleeping companion. She now stood in front of her bathroom window, running her hands through her hair again before rubbing her eyes.

"Oh no," she said to her reflection that was glaring back at her. "What were you thinking?" She muttered to the woman that was staring back at her. She hadn't been thinking, she had let her guard down and her heart exposed to the bitter outside world. As far as she knew nothing had really changed other than the passing of time, ten years passing, which was in her world a extended period of time, not a long time in the history of things, but it was still the only thing that had really been different between them.

The elder Carter wasn't able to push his influence upon her anymore, and it seemed that he didn't have a great hold on the younger Carter generation, but that didn't mean that she wouldn't have any Carter's to contend with if she was to restart a relationship… no there was no way that she could be seriously considering starting up another relationship with John. They were from 2 different worlds and hadn't managed to be able to hold it together all that time ago she highly doubted, or didn't want to believe, but then that was the same thing wasn't it that they would be able to make it this time.

She just starred at the reflection looking back at her. While she couldn't deny what she had felt being that close to him again, she even had to admit to herself that those feelings where nothing more than a wishful heart, a heart that wanted to go back to a time long gone. The one thing Erin knew was that you couldn't recapture time no matter how hard you tried.

She just shook her head, what was she going to do now. She couldn't say to him that she had made a mistake letting him in like that. She didn't want to hurt him again like she had before. No one deserved that no matter what history lied between them good or bad. But she didn't want to carry on something just for the sex. No that wouldn't be right, no matter how lonely she might have been that was the worst reason she could think of to carry on a relationship was just for the aspect of knowing that it would mean that she would never be alone. And if she just shut him out again completely that would prevent her heart from hurting or being hurt anymore than it already had, but it would also shut out any chance that she might have of happiness if it existed.

Erin was cynical of love. After she had been forced away from the one thing that she thought was happiness for the greater good, or what she had been told was the greater good she didn't hold much faith in love. There was no reason to hold onto the hope that something as fleeting of a feeling as love was really could exist. Part of that might have been because she had never managed to grab a hold of it a second time around.

That was a lesson she had learned from her dad as well, after her mother, he never seemed to be able to grab a second chance at loving someone no matter how he had tried. No one in his eyes ever measured up to the love that he had for her mother, and when she died a part of her dad was put in that grave with her mother until a few years ago when he joined her there. They were finally together for the rest of eternity, hopefully after all this time they were finally able to be happy once again.

"Can't you sleep?" Carter asked standing in the doorway of the bathroom now.

"Ahh!" Erin tried not to scream but he had caught her deep in her own thoughts and she hadn't even heard him get up off the bed. She put her hand on her chest. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sneak up on a woman in deep in thought?"

"Sorry hope that they were good thoughts." He wrapped an arm around her waist as he softly kissed her shoulder. "Very good thoughts."

She didn't have to force a smile on her face, it almost appeared there on it's own free will. She didn't harbor any bad feelings for the man or at least none that were on the surface. She did however have to work to lie to him. That was something that at times she could do as natural as could be and the other times she had to put more effort into it to pull it off.

"Always good thoughts when you're around." She half told the truth half lied to him. More truth than lies. Her thoughts weren't good but they could have been a lot worse than what had been running through her head.

"Why don't you come back to bed and try and get some more sleep, it's still pretty early." He pulled on her a little in a feeble attempt to get her back into the bed. She looked pretty ragged and tired right now. Not the glowing woman that you would have expected to see, but he was a little on the worn side as well and wasn't going to argue with her, that was a battle that he had learned long ago that no matter how hard he tried once she had her mind made up about something she was definitely hard to change.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea." She said.

He kissed her shoulder again as he felt her slowly start to move in the direction that they had both come from.

"Good you look like you need some more sleep. I'm sure you and I have a busy day tomorrow in the ER."

"Yeah that I am sure that we do." Erin slowly relented and started to give into him. She was tired and getting into a fight right now wasn't something that she relished the thought of doing.

He led her back to the bed pulling the covers back over her almost as if he was tucking her in to make sure that she wouldn't wander away again from him. He put an arm around her pulling her body uptight against his and Erin had to work overtime to try and relax against him so that he wouldn't think that she was upset or uptight. She let out a deep sigh as she closed her eyes and let her body give into sleep again, there was always tomorrow to work on things and get it back the way that it was going to go. They would either hate themselves in the morning, find a way to get around this, get it to work, or they would be very miserable.


End file.
